Fourteen months have gone by. In some ways, the time seems to have disappeared in the blink of an eye. In others, each moment drags on with aching slowness. It’s just another long day until I can see my Daddy again. Feel his hug. Kiss his cheek.
Sometimes, the pain is almost bearable now. But other times, it hurts so deeply that I still cannot breathe. I listen to his voice mails, and beg him to just come back. I will never NOT answer the phone. I’ll stay home from Bingo. I’ll wake up earlier… all just to never miss a call from him again. I will ignore my own pain just to be there for every moment he needed me and I physically couldn’t do it. All of those wasted moments that now torture me, knowing I can’t get them back and do them over.
I still want to scream until my voice is gone. The screaming inside of my head and heart feel as though it is choking me much of the time. It is so real that I can hear it. I feel the sounds trying to claw their way right through me to get out.
I keep being told that it’s time to let him go, move on and get over it. I CAN’T DO THAT. I’m not ready. What happened to people telling me that everyone grieves in their own way? For their own length of time? That’s it’s okay to take whatever time I need to get through this? Why am I suddenly wrong because I just can’t do it? Yes… I have had moments where I thought I was going to be okay and that I could handle this. Find peace. God I need peace.
I WANT to be better. I want to be okay. To feel that peace in my heart. To know I can hold on without him. That I can be productive and allow myself to achieve things again. To dream again. To be happy again. I WANT to be able to let go. I’ve tried. God knows – I’ve tried so hard.
I miss him so much. I need my Daddy back. Why do people keep telling me God needed him more?
THEY. ARE. WRONG. NO ONE NEEDS MY DADDY MORE THAN I STILL DO. NOT EVEN GOD.
When I am stressed out. Scared. Alone. Angry. Hurting. Happy. Excited. Every one of those moments, I need my Daddy. I need to pick up the phone and call to tell him something one of the kids have done. To forward a photo of them. Brag about Ashley and Beka. Tell him about the straight As I have on the road to my Bachelor’s degree. Ask his advice. Feel his hugs when I need to cry. Hear his booming laugh when something is funny. Have his wisdom wrap itself around me when I need it.
I hate moments now. I hate how much they hurt, make me feel completely alone in this world without my Daddy and remind me that there are a million more ahead that I have to figure out how to live without him.